So it’s Valentine’s Day. A day that most people either celebrate or resent. The truth is that I have never had a valentine on Valentine’s Day. Some years I have been so busy that I don’t even realize what day it is until it’s over; some years I make a point of gathering all my single girlfriends together and doing something really girly to hide the fact that none of us had any other plans. But I had high hopes for this year. I’m going to go out on a limb and tell you why. Hopefully my little story will reach at least one person that needs to hear it.
It all started about a year ago. My little sister was already engaged, and I had just learned that my two perpetually-single-cousins-that-now- had-boyfriends were also shopping for rings and hoped to be married by the end of the year. I always thought that if at least one other girl in my family were still single then I was still okay. Now I was facing the fact that every female family member in my generation would now have someone . . . except me. For some reason I immediately thought about Christmas. I could just see myself stuck at the end of the table, completely disrupting the symmetry of the place settings, or squished in between couples on the sofa, drinking eggnog and eating as many Christmas cookies as I could fit in my face. I was praying to God to help me figure out a way to get me out of the country when His voice spoke to my spirit in that thought-that-comes- faster-that-I-could-think-it kind of way. He said, “This is the last Christmas that you’ll be alone.” I immediately tried to talk myself out of it for fear of the disappointment that would happen if it didn’t come true. This didn’t work because I know that it must have been God’s voice speaking to me, and I didn’t want to call Him a liar.
The year went on, and the planning of the trio of weddings was underway. The dates were set for August 11, September 8 and October 13. Bam, bam, bam, everybody but me. I cannot describe how hard this was for me. Let’s just say that I was diagnosed with a chronic illness at the age of eighteen, and this season of weddings was worse than that. I think it was because I was expected to be happy about it. If I let people know how I really felt then I would be seen as a bitter, self-absorbed loser.
On the eve of the second wedding, I had another conversation with God. “Okay, I’m not a basketcase anymore, but, seriously,” I reasoned, “what’s the deal? All these years we’ve all been single, and you had to orchestrate it like this? It couldn’t have been all four of us? I felt like you said that I would have someone by next Christmas, but I wish I could know for sure.” Again a thought came rushing into my head, but this time it didn’t make sense to me. I saw the numbers, “2 1 4.” Just as I was thinking, “214? What does that mean?” He answered me. “Valentine’s Day.” I am not making this up. I immediately spoke to God in a most non-reverent way. “Okay, God, don’t be messin’ around with Valentine’s Day. It’s bad enough as it is.” Again I started trying to convince myself that I made it up, but I know that I didn’t. It was God.
So now it’s here, and this week has been hard. I’m still alone. So what happened? Did I misunderstand? Did God break His promise? I don’t know if I’ll ever understand fully, but I do know this. God wants me to trust Him. Throughout my search for my future husband, I have been leaning on my own understanding when God’s word clearly tells my not to in Proverbs 3:5-6. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
God wants me to be content in my circumstances. And if nothing happens today, then He must have a really good reason why.
I don’t know why I felt the need to post all of this. I guess I just want all the single women out there to know that I understand, and so does your Savior. We have to trust Him, even when we don’t know how.
So I just poured my heart out here. I better get some comments.