Up To My Old Antics

I always knew this day would come.  I really thought I would see at least my 50th birthday before I had to worry about dialysis.  I was diagnosed with lupus in 1995, and it has always affected my kidneys.  A doctor once told me that dialysis would be in my future, but I still had about 50% kidney function at that time.  Last Tuesday I noticed that my feet and legs were swelling.  I tried to ignore it for a few days – see if staying off my feet and actually taking my blood pressure medicine every day would help.  By Friday the swelling was worse, and I knew I had to address it.  I went to Walgreen’s to get a free blood pressure check.  It was 156/107 – normal is usually 120/80.  The pharmacist told me to go straight to the hospital.  I was hesitant to do so.  I’ve fallen off the health insurance train.  Ever since I moved to Rochester in November, I’ve had trouble finding a job that would offer health insurance and pay me enough to make ends meet.  Once I found myself single again, and I started making plans to move to Orlando, health insurance was something I was going to pursue once I relocated myself.

As most of you know, I started a fundraiser a few weeks ago to help with my moving costs.  I was just so desperate to get away from Rochester – my time here did not turn out to be the happy ending I thought it would be.  One of the things that inspired me to start the fundraiser was the rerun occurrence of my favorite 30Rock episode on Comedy Central.  It’s the one when Jack is trying to determine whether or not a man named Milton Greene is his actual birth father.  When Jack reveals the true reason for their meeting, Milton reveals that he needs a kidney transplant.  Jack is so desperate to avoid undergoing the surgery himself that he organizes an all-star, We-Are-The-World-type benefit concert.  Sheryl Crow, Cyndi Lauper, Adam Levine, Elvis Costello, Mary J. Blige, just to name a few, all sang a song that was stuck in my head for days – “We just need a kidney…”  When the episode was over, the idea was already planted in my head that I should just do a fundraiser for myself.  It didn’t matter that my reason was a little non-traditional.  Lots of people had told me they wanted to help me, but the moving costs were so high that no one person would be able to give that much.

I had NO IDEA when that episode inspired me how prophetic it would be.  Now I actually need a kidney.  Crazy.  I’ve been in the hospital all weekend.  My kidney function is bad, and it is not improving with the use of steroids.  My kidneys are just scarred too heavily to get any better.  They’ve had enough.

I know that there are some people that reacted negatively to the idea of me starting a fundraiser for something that didn’t seem that crucial.  (Yeah, I know about you.) That is totally fine.  The last thing I would want anyone to do is give to a cause they didn’t believe was right.  Well, I’ve stepped it up a notch.  Now I’ve got a need that no one can argue with.  The fundraiser was already successful enough to allow me to make plans to move in May, mostly because a friend and I were going to do a moving truck switch-a-roo that was going to cut the cost drastically.  Dialysis is something that is going to be an ongoing need, at least three times a week, and it will take some work to get my treatment plan established.  Therefore I don’t want to do it more than once.  Therefore the move has moved.  It has to be now.  Therefore the costs are back up to about $1500 for a truck, plus about $300 for gas…

…PLUS a big, fat, no-insurance hospital bill.  I know there will be government assistance available at this point, and we’re looking into that, but I don’t know when that will happen.  Therefore I’m putting this fundraiser back in the open.  I’m still in need, and if you can help, it would be greatly appreciated.  I know God has plans for my life, and you can be a part of that.  Paypal is safe and easy to use, but if you prefer just send me an email and I’ll send you a mailing address.  beckyray7@yahoo.com

Big time thank you to those that have already given, and of course, prayer is even more important – and it doesn’t cost anything.

Click here to donate. 

On My Way

It’s been one week since I launched my fundraiser, and I’m so grateful for the results.  It’s amazing how God works.  I was facing what I thought was an unachievable amount of money.  The amazing thing is that my need has been lessened.  I have a friend from the ship that needs to move his stuff from Florida to Massachusetts, so we’re saving a ton of money by doing both at the same time.  What a relief!  The money that has been donated so far will probably cover the moving costs.  Any additional money that comes in will help me establish a new life in Orlando.  I don’t have a job there yet, so I would really like to have a little to live on while I look for a job.  If you feel compelled to give, that’s how the money would be used.

It feels a little strange to have a fundraiser for this.  I’m not dying, I’m not helping starving children in a foreign country.  I’m just a person that needs a fresh start.  I think everyone has an adventurous side – I just act on mine a little more than others.  Sometimes it works out, sometimes it costs me.  This whole experience has taught me a lot about myself.  I know more about what I’m willing to sacrifice and what I’m able to stand.  Most of all it has shown me that it pays to treat people with kindness and respect.  You never know what the future holds, and I’m so glad to have so many thoughtful friends.

Click here to donate.

Bring Becky Back

All my life I’ve always tried to follow where the Lord leads. When a decision needs to be made, I pray. I ask God to close every door but the one I should go through. Even when things happen that hurt me, that don’t make any earthly sense, I trust God. I literally don’t know how to make a decision without Him. Sometimes it feels like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, wondering if He’s going to just push me off of it, and sometimes I wish He would. But I still trust Him. I still believe His word, His promises.

A year ago I thought my life could not be much better. I was working on a cruise ship in Hawaii. There’s a reason they call that place “paradise.” I had just met a great guy on eHarmony, and we were talking every day. I hoped that I had finally met the man that I had been waiting for my whole life. You see, as most of you know, I’ve been perpetually single for a LONG time. But that’s not what we’re talking about right now. Back to the story. In June I went to visit this special person, and everything was perfect. I started making plans to resign from the ship and move to Rochester, NY. I was in prayer the whole time. So was everyone in my family. I felt like the Lord was leading me to make this move. I basically gave up everything I knew, moved a thousand miles away from my family and most of my friends. I started over with a place to live, a new job, a new church, completely out of my comfort zone. But I was so happy. My 20-year-old dream was finally coming true.

You can imagine my surprise – no, my heartbreak – when things did not work out. Only three months later, I heard the words that no one wants to hear, like I was the lead character in the middle of a romantic comedy. “Need space”, “too fast”, “for the best.” I felt like a fool for giving up my whole life for this.

Once I could think straight again, I started making plans to move back home. I had used all my savings to move the first time, so I would have to start all over again. The trouble is that a moving truck costs three times as much to move south than it does to move north. I decided that I would never be able to save the money while I’m still paying rent. My new plan was to break my lease, leave most of my things in storage in Rochester, and drive south. Rather than moving back in with my parents in Atlanta, which felt like failure, I decided to head toward Orlando and stay with my sister and brother-in-law. I would work hard, save money, and come back for my stuff later. Of course I’ve been in prayer about this as well.

It sounds like a good plan, right? I’ve made many efforts to earn more money. I’m starting two new jobs, selling almost everything I can on ebay, and planning a yard sale. Here’s the thing – it’s still going to take several months to save the gas money and something to live on. Even then I will have to come back for what’s left of my stuff. It could be another six months before I could make that happen. All I want to do is leave and never look back. I want to shake the Rochester dust off and be done with it. Here’s where you come in.

I feel like I might be crazy for doing this, but this is how much I just want to go home. I’m setting up a fundraiser for myself. I’m stuck in a place that I don’t want to be, and everything here just reminds me of heartache and sadness. And snow. So many of you have already been praying for me, and I can’t thank you enough. I can definitely feel it. Others have already asked if there’s anything else they can do. Here’s your chance. I’m setting it all up on Paypal, which is easy to set up and use if you don’t already have an account. If each one of my Facebook friends gives $5, I can move home without leaving my things behind. Then I can truly heal and move on. I wanted to allow folks to give any size contribution, even just $1, but the website won’t let me. If you would rather, I can give you my mailing address, and you can donate the old-fashioned way. Obviously not everyone is going to participate, but I will be thankful for anything you can do. I hope that most of you know me well enough to know that it’s not easy for me to ask for this kind of help, but I am so desperate that I’m going to do it anyway. Will you please help this Southern girl get back to her natural habitat?

Operators are standing by.

Give

Dear Faithful Readers,

I’ve been doing some thinking about this tired ol’ blog, and I have an idea.  Actually, I have a few ideas.  I just have to be committed to taking the time to flesh them out.  Ew, flesh is sort of a gross word.  That’s not part of the idea.  Moving on.

Creatively speaking, I find that I’m much better at being creative when I’m limited in some way.  It’s ironic, if you think about it.  When I sit down to write, and I don’t have anything in mind, I get stuck.  A few weeks ago, I thought about an idea for a post that would be in the form of a letter.  Then I thought, “What if all my posts are letters?”  And then I started having one idea after another.  So I’m going to do it.  Starting with this post, all posts will be letters to someone or something.

Think about it…right now I’m writing a letter to anyone that hasn’t given up on this little blog.  Maybe I’ll write letters to God, myself, stuff I like, stuff I hate, real things, imaginary things, you never know.  Maybe it will last, maybe it won’t, but I like the idea.

I’m also going to change the look and the name to fit the theme, so don’t be alarmed.  It’s still me.

 

Free Truck

Is anybody still out there?  I said…..IS ANYBODY OUT THERE?!  Okay, now that we’re all awake again, I’m here to say (type) that I think I’m back.  Every once in a while I would think of something to post, but I just wouldn’t take the time.  Lately I’ve been feeling creative, and I think the old blog is going to be revamped soon.  However, I wanted to go ahead and get this story in here since it’s so good.  Here we go!

Let’s just skip to the punchline, shall we?

Yes, this is my truck.  And now I will tell you how it happened.

Little did I know when I wrote my post about starting over that I was not all the way at zero yet.  Oh, no.  In April, my car died on the way to Charleston, and I was forced to move back in with my parents so I could use their vehicles to get to work.  Yeah, I was 33 years old and living with my parents.  Not cool.  I immediately began praying for a miracle.  I knew that if God wanted me to have a vehicle, He would provide.

One day I was talking to my friend Ariana on the phone, and I was whining and complaining expressing my frustrations.  I saw cars parked in people’s garages, parked in the lot at my storage facility, cars everywhere.  People just have extra cars.  Why can’t I just use one for a while?

Well, apparently, she heard me.  And so did God.  At the end of June, Ariana left me a message.  She said some friends of hers happened to mention to her that they had a truck that they wanted to give away.  She told them she knew someone that might want it.  That someone was me.  And I did.  With a little bit of arranging, we made the plans and I flew to Charleston to get my free truck.

This is where the story gets funny.

You see, the only time for me to pick up the truck was after the owner got home from work on a Tuesday.  I had to be at work at 4:30am on Wednesday.  It’s completely doable, I thought.  As soon as I get the truck, I’ll drive straight back to Georgia, get some sleep, and go to work.  No problem.  My friend Marci drove me to the owner’s house, but we beat him there.  I saw the truck parked out front, so of course I looked in the window to take a peek.

Uh, oh.  Trouble in paradise.  This is a stick shift.  I did not know how to drive this free vehicle.  Oh, how God lauged at me at that moment.  This is why we must be specific in our prayers.

Thankfully, Marci knew how to drive it.  I drove her car back to her side of town, and she started teaching me how to drive the truck.  Two hours of bucking, stalling, stressing, swearing, laughing and crying later, I was a frazzled mess.  I decided that I would have to skip work the next day and just leave in the morning.

Through this process, I couldn’t help but notice the lessons.  I feel like God is literally taking me back to a time when I was very close to Him.  I am starting over, and God is restoring the lost years just as He promised.

Now I’m almost good at driving my new truck.  I’m so thankful that Ariana and Marci are my friends.  I’m very thankful that God provided a vehicle so that I would have some freedom.  And nothing makes you feel young again like learning how to drive.

If you’re looking for something happy…

…you’ve come to the wrong dang blog.  Apparently things can always get worse.

I had a very productive Monday and Tuesday planned.  I had to go to Charleston to complete the last few elements of the vast amount of rigmarole it takes to work on a cruise ship.  In addition to this, I had planned a trip to the doctor and the pharmacy since my incredibly expensive health insurance is only good in South Carolina.  Leave work Monday morning, drive to Charleston, see the doctor, have dinner with friends, sleep, apply for a TWIC card, apply for Merchant Mariner’s Document, stop by the pharmacy, drive back to Atlanta.  Piece of cake.

That is if my car didn’t blow up.  And if I didn’t miss my doctor’s appointment because of it.  And if the Coast Guard had been clear about exactly what paperwork I would need to bring with me.  And if my refills at the pharmacy hadn’t expired.

So bad things happen sometimes.  Trust me, if anyone knows this, it’s me.  However, at this point, I have bypassed disappointment and worry and sadness.  Now I’m scared.  Through all the crazy things I’ve been through – all my moves, all my jobs – I’ve always had a car and health insurance.  The fact that I can’t think of a single way that I will be able to get either one of these things is very scary to me.  I feel like nothing is safe.  What am I going to lose next?

Seeing green

Today is St. Patrick’s Day.  Just like last year, this post is work-related.  Today I did my cashier training at Target.  Therefore I was forced to wear the color that is the opposite of the preferred color of the day.  Good thing my eyes are green or I would have been pinched.

Anyway, as I was working the register, I began to suffer from a form of reverse buyer’s remorse.  I guess that’s seller’s remorse?  It’s hard to believe that there is a problem with the economy when you’ve just watched people spending large amounts of money on junk for 5 1/2 hours.  Perhaps my current situation is also playing a part.  I mean, I’ve been trying my best to spend nothing lately, so it’s hard to watch someone spend $200 on towels.  Nothing else, just towels.  Her family must be really dirty.  I wanted to start asking people to really consider their needs.  “Ma’am, do you really need this pink lampshade?”  Then I remembered that my paycheck is directly influenced by the ridiculous and irresponsible purchases of the general public, and I felt a lot better about it.

Happy St. Purchase, I mean, Patrick’sDay!

Starting Over

When I was poking around online a few months ago, I found a plan for reading the Bible in one year in chronological order, in the order the events happened.  I thought this was interesting, and yesterday I started doing it.  Genesis is still at the beginning, by the way.

When I read the part about the flood, I had the same thought I usually do when I read it.  Why did God even create the world the way He did when He knew He was going to just wipe it all out and start over?

On an unrelated subject, I’ve been focusing a lot lately on my financial situation.  I’ve actually been thinking about it since October.  I really want to get to the point where I am debt-free, but it just seems impossible.  At this point, I’m living for free, my car is paid for, so I’m not sure how to cut back much more.  I came to the conclusion that I need to sell everything that I can because I can’t afford to keep all my stuff in storage.

I woke up this morning thinking about my furniture.  I really like my furniture.  I’ve just collected it over the years from craigslist and other things.  I always found good deals on stuff.  Everything is so comfortable, and I just hate the thought of getting rid of it.

That’s when God said to me, “I know it’s not what you want to do, but sometimes you just have to get rid of almost everything and start over.”

Gettin’ stuff dun in the country

Looking for a job is one of my least favorite activities, but for some reason I find myself doing it every year or so.   I’m usually not too bad at it.  This time I seem to be welcoming a few additional challenges that have previously never been included in my job searches.

1.  The economy is bad.  There are a lot more people looking for jobs, and the hiring parties can afford to be a lot choosier and a lot lazier.  Most applications are online, no phone number or address included.  This is not great for me because I am much better in person – not so great in type.

2.  My heart is just not into it.  I usually leave a job under my own choice, and I am usually already working at the job that will replace it.  It’s hard to have the “go out and get ‘em” attitude that is necessary during a job search when all you want to do is find the rug that was just under you.

3.  I keep finding jobs that have an unheard of amount of paperwork and preliminary requirements.  This is what brings me to the title of this post.  You see, I have a conditional agreement to work as a youth counselor for Norwegian Cruise Lines in Hawaii in the fall.  It is conditional because I have to provide a lot of information and receive a lot of certifications before I can actually work.  The last thing on my list of things to fax in to my future employers was a copy of my criminal record from my current county of residence.  Today I looked up the location of the county buildings that I thought would be appropriate and set out to collect a copy of my blank criminal record.

At this point in the story, I need to let you know that I live in a tiny town, and I did not grow up here.

Of course the first building I tried was not the building that I needed to go to.  I was at the county administration building, but I needed to be at the sheriff’s office.  A kind, well-meaning woman tried to give me directions to the sheriff’s office.  After we established all the things that I don’t know about (“Do you know where _____ is?  No. Well, then do you know where ____ is? No.), she attempted to explain the route without using any road names at all.  I kid you not, these were the two, the only two, landmarks I had to go on:

“Bay-er leyft at the cheeeli dawg playce in the meedle of the roahdah.”

“Turn raight at the laighthayouse chuurch.”

“Theeyn just falla the saigns that say ‘Shayriff’s Ahhffice.”

The sign on the wooden archway is the only sign that lets you know this is the sheriff’s office, and it was almost impossible to read.  The paint was flaking off of everything.  There were prisoners standing around outside.  I was scared!  I said a prayer as I walked into the building.  Fortunately, I walked into the right door and was not escorted into a cell.  I received my non-existent criminal record and high-tailed it out of there!  (Not without snapping a quick picture from inside my car.)

The moral of the story: if you need to get any official stuff done in the country, bring a friend or let someone know where you’re going.

Is anyone still out there?

I’ve been gone for quite awhile.  I’m not really sure what to say about it.  I’ve thought about this post a lot.  How can I even begin to write about the last 2 1/2 months?  I decided that I just need to do it.  I need to just write and get it out.  I’m hoping that I might be able to help someone else with my words.  More than that, I’m hoping that someone else’s words will help me.

I lost my job.  My church job.  Honestly, my emotions are still quite raw, and I’m not sure when they will heal.  At first there were so many questions.  I couldn’t understand any of it.  Now it seems like there are too many answers.  I’m always analyzing and coming up with a new reason why it happened.

This is easily the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.  I didn’t just lose my job; I lost my support system.  I feel like I’m going through a divorce, and Pointe North is my ex.  My ex’s family may tell me that they still love me and are praying for me, but I know that they are not really a part of my life anymore.  It hurts when I hear that my ex has moved on and is doing well.  I can’t be in the same room.  I had to move out and run back to my parents.  See what I mean?

Well, here it is.  My first post-divorce post.  I’m hoping this will be a step toward normalcy.  Hopefully I will be back to my regular, hilarious-story-telling self again soon.